What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:53
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do people stop working towards achieving their dreams?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do I sweat so much at the gym?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
It was going to be , some day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was 9 years of age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it wasn’t much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im still living with it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
Comes on , in middle age.